veritas

things are so different when you are single. it’s like you have the opportunity and good grief if you are so granted, the ability to make anything come true….if you are good looking. my best friend said it the other day, “that boy can get any job he wants, despite the lack of experience and low GPA. he’s good looking.” when did we all become so selfishly self-involved (i know unnecessary) with our outward appearance? of course teenage girls have been obsessed with looking gorgeous (whatever standard gorgeous may come in) and have strived for perfection (however it is defined). beauty has always been a curse more than a benefit. the grooming, the examination, the judging eyes…beauty comes at a cost (physical, emotional, financial). it’s a know fact for women.

but when did I, me, this girl, become so vain? i find myself confident, but not overtly so. until now. it’s cause you are an alpha female, my brother tells me. born to lead the pack. okay, but does that also include being aware, no, not just aware, but actually knowing when men and other girls are looking at me? no longer associating those stares with thoughts like “there’s something on my nose” or “my dress must be tucked into my underwear.” but actually, realizing that (for the most part) he / she / they are staring because i look pretty, and on an occasion when i put effort into, i look gorgeous. what does one do with that knowledge? i can already feel my head swelling. egotistical female, i believe they just call that a bitch. i keep pushing my head underwater, back below the surface of arrogance and conceitedness. but i read a book or see a movie with a strong, soul-crushing female and identify with her. i hear the lyrics from the spill canvas and i automatically envision a boy’s heart i’ve broken or will break. and yet, i can’t deny this side of me, she’s taken full control and i even i find myself screaming…

you’ve got me down on my knees and i proclaim “all hail the heartbreaker”